Saturday, April 24, 2010

Your Typical Elderly French Woman

French women, beware! Something in your DNA, something you're eating, some activity you do, is reacting with your estrogen to produce monsters. Honest to God monsters live in France, and they are all over 60. I have never in my life seen this kind of thing. Its a fucking phenomenon. One in ten French women over 60 will experience a major breakdown of cells in their brain that turn them into monsters. It starts when they stop matching. One day, their brains will tell them that yellow shoes are okay. A month or so later they will pair those yellow shoes with a red pashmina that has had fluffy pink balls sown onto it. After a year or so of this disease the full-monster is born. These monsters wear every color under the sun, together. They wear bright lipsticks. Their heels are so high even runway models would shudder. They wear vintage hats paired with see through flower stockings, their hair seems to have been styled by 5 year-old girls after a nice fresh box-dye, and their faces have been plastered over with enough makeup that one could peel it off. Seriously.

Of course the first time I came across a woman with this disease I thought she was just an old kook. I didn't realize she was suffering from a bad-outfit epidemic. The first thing I noticed were the legs. They seemed to go on forever and ever and I expected when I looked up to see a skinny, gorgeous French woman. Instead, I saw a plaster-faced old lady with stringy blonde hair that poofed out in all directions from underneath her bonnet. She was one of those old ladies you knew couldn't possibly be blonde naturally and was supposed to be sporting grey hair by now. I looked her up and down again, not being able to put the legs with the face. Then I really saw. Her stockings were fishnets. Her stiletto heels were perhaps an entire foot long. Her skirt was shorter than any I've ever worn (and I'll admit to having worn some really short skirts before). Her low-cut shirt showed off nicely her sagging breasts. The entire outfit was black, too. Jet black. Even the bonnet was jet black. I promise I'm not making this up.

When I saw my second old French monster I thought that maybe French women were just weird. This woman, whose poorly dyed blonde hair fell well past her shoulders, was wearing the most hideous orange jacket I've ever seen. I love the color orange. This color orange was slightly terrifying. The black embroidery on this coat really made me feel like I was looking at an advertisement for halloween costumes. I can't decide what the best part about the ensamble was. It could have been the orange lipstick, the gigantic, brown,bug-eye sunglasses, or the orange sneaker heels. You tell me, reader. I finally realized that these monsters were suffering from a diseaseI came across a third. I've always thought that black women who dye their hair blonde are a little bit out of their minds. It never ever looks good. This woman wore the tightest red dress in history, effectively giving herself rolls, and her huge red heels were so bright they almost blinded me. Seriously. Not to mention, she was covered in gold bangles.

My personal favorite, though, is this woman. See, I'm not making this shit up. Please note the purple clip in her hair. It was the best.

Arrivederci, for now.
Love, Gabby

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