The Italian Superbowl

I think its funny how obsessed the Italians get over soccer. All Europeans, actually, get excited over soccer. I'm of the opinion that soccer is the single most boring sport in history. I'd watch NAASCAR over soccer. Or even rowing. Or marbles. When my Italian brother and father told me that the soccer championship was happening and that it was the European equivalent to the Superbowl, I thought perhaps I'd finally be privvy to the apparent excitement of the game.

Its a shame that Italians think that the Superbowl is anything like this championship. I got excited for nothing. My Italian father told me that they go crazy for their team, Inter-Milan, and that everyone must watch with their full attention on the game. Inter was playing Bayern (Munich) for the European championship. We all gathered in the kitchen to watch the game, huddling around the television in anticipation of a good match. I expected shouting. I expected my Italian father and brother to holler every time the ball touched a player's foot. Instead, we all sat there silently. Once or twice they gestured at the T.V., claiming the refs made bad calls, and when goals were scored they would, in their inside voices, say "Yes". No exclamation point neccesary. Halfway through the match I had my head perched ontop of my hand in a desperate attempt to stop from crashing into the table because I was in that half-sleep half-trance state where you don't notice yourself drooling.

I think that maybe there were 2 goals scored in the entire game, but don't quote me because I was barely paying any attention. I felt like I was watching a game of Pong-the computer version. My eyes moved back and fourth, back and fourth, and by the end of the game I was hypnotized. How could the Europeans possibly think that this championship was anything like the Superbowl? I scream for teams that aren't even my Giants during the Superbowl because thats what you do. I drink beers and eat bagelbites and have a huge celebration. I paint my face and dress up in football gear and toss a pigskin around my house even though I've been told since childhood that throwing balls in the house is forbidden. I place bets and check fantasy football scores on the internet. I found myself looking forward to the commercials in this championship only to learn that they would never come. The Italian government banned commercials during broadcasted sporting events. What the fuck? There was no fighting, no contact, no nothing. It was one long session of nothing. Not even the fans in the stands were getting animated. Someone please explain to me, what the hell is so exciting about soccer?
Arrivederci, for now.
Love, Gabby.